Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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