Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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