How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
