you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
