I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
