I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
My ATM looks so different sober.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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