Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
