You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
