They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
