A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
