I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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