I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
