I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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