Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
