I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
