I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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