you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
