he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
