I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
