I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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