Old men and throwing up are my life now.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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