based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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