we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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