it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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