____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
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