I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
