i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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