remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
