i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
