I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
