Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
