They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
