Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
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