I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
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