He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Someone came in the potted fern
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
