I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
