her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
