If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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