You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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