I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
