I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
