two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
did i walk over a car last night?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
