in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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