Just fell off a train. Bad.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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