so that wasnt chicken after all
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
