Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
