My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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