1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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