You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
