Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
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